An Effective Form of Communication May Mean Keeping Your Mouth Shut (The words you say can sometimes do more harm than good).

One of the toughest things I write about is divorce.  I don’t like writing about it and I don’t like to talk about it.  It leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

When Coach and I decided to open this site, we made the decision to be very candid about our thoughts on divorce.

We both went through very tough ones.  Yep, ladies.  A man went through a tough divorce too.  We’re not going to be gender biased on this site.

We are better now, especially since we have each other, but there isn’t a day that passes where we are not touched by our divorce circumstances. From the “why can’t I stay here this weekend,” to “why didn’t he or she call” questions … it’s all so difficult.

Gut Wrenching

Many decisions and conversations are gut-wrenching.  There are a lot of people involved and a lot of feelings that can be hurt.

We often get frustrated with our circumstances, but we make it work.  And we work it every day.

For all of you who are in a divorce, we share your pain.  Just know, the pain eases depending on how you handle the unique situations you will be placed in.

 

This new family dynamic is fragile. It’s so hard, but please try to make it work for your children’s sake.

Regret

Both of our divorces, probably like yours, involved hard feelings and a lot of regrets.  I know for me I couldn’t grasp my situation.  I couldn’t get around that idea of hating the person that I had loved the week before.

One day we were happy (or so I thought), then we were fighting.  And some of those fights were vicious.  I always felt awful afterward, but at that moment it felt so good.

Realization

Coach and I have both learned that fighting with your ex can have devastating results.  Results that can take months, if not, years to overcome.  Tip: edit what you say to your ex.  The words you say can do more harm than good.

Not My Finer Moment

Another word of advice, be careful of what you say to your ex’s spouse.

I’ll never forget the night I exploded on my ex’s new wife.  I’m not going to lie.  There was no love between us, more like hate.  She called me for some reason, which I thought was strange.  I didn’t want to have any type of relationship with her at that time.

And then, she made a comment that I perceived as sarcastic. I don’t even know what the comment was about.  All I know is I exploded.

eruption of volcano during dawn

Photo by Pete Johnson on Pexels.com

I don’t usually behave this way.  I don’t like to argue, but tonight I let loose on her. She then retorted, then I fired back, then she said something else, and I fired back.

This lasted for a few minutes.  I was even cursing – ugh.  It was a screaming match and, pause, it was during a little league game.  Thank heaven I had walked away from the game to take the call.  I’m hanging my head in shame as I talk.

 It was not one of my finer moment.

Abruptly, she stopped speaking and my ex got on the phone.  He then let me have it.  He also told me how good of a mother she was to Joe.

I exploded again.  I’m sure I told him it may be a little easier for her since she was living in the new home I left when we got divorced.  Let’s just say I cursed again – double ugh!

The conversation ended with me hanging up.

I didn’t speak to her for many months or him for weeks (other than to make the exchange every other week). At the time, I thought that was a good thing, but in hindsight, it made it difficult for Joe.  He was stuck in the middle of two, actually three, fighting adults.

No Communication

There was no communication, which is bad!  Neither one of us felt comfortable communicating about our child.  What if something had happened to little Joe?  There was an emergency?

Needless to say, all of us were very immature and irresponsible.

I’m also very embarrassed for losing control and creating a problem that affected Joe’s quality of life.

Good Relationship

Now, I have a good relationship with my ex and his wife.  Okay, the majority of the time it’s good. It wasn’t easy mending our relationship, but we did.  Joe is well adjusted and happy with both sets of parents.

Again, just watch what you say and don’t get into potentially devastating situations with your ex.

Warmest,

Anna